The voice of “my” depression

23 04 2010

Why do I feel so afraid? What has me so paralized with fear that I can’t live? I hurt and I bleed. The more I try, the harder it gets. I need my heavenly father to help me but I ask and ask and either He doesn’t hear or  I am not screaming loud enough. Where are you? Deeper I want to scream, I want you to hear me. Can anyone see me? Can anyone see what’s behind this plastic face? Does anyone know my bones ache? Does anyone know how deeply lonely I am. I want to believe in tomorrow and that is what keeps me going I think. Fear has made it’s home in my heart and I want to evict it now. Why don’t I get it? Why don’t I get life? People are so happy and I want that but I feel it is so out of reach for me. Why? I have a wonderful family.Maybe I can’t see through the pain.

 I am reaching across the Grand Canyon hoping you will take my hand. I need God to wrestle with my Demons. I have no idea how. God do you reach across the Grand Canyon for me? If you  do then please keep reaching until I find your hand or until you find mine. My friend just sent me a playlist of beautiful songs. Music has always spoken to me and that is where are alot of these words are coming from. They may come from a song but they touch my heart so deeply and they seem to be how I feel.  One of my favorites is in a song that says  “Come a day we’ll be together and all your tears will be wiped away and on that day I’ll hold you so tightly and all this pain will just melt away”. Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful day? It’s not like I want to leave this earth right now, I really don’t. I want to see my kids grow up, get married, have grandkids and spend the rest of my life with my wonderful husband. But what’s waiting at the end sounds so beautiful.  I want to enjoy my life now. How ? just how? Set me free Lord, set me free! Break these chains that bind my heart and mind. Set this captive free.

Part of another song says:” It hasn’t always been this way, I remember brighter days before the dark ones came and stole my mind and wrapped my soul in chains. Now I live among the dead, fighting voices in my head, hoping someone hears me crying in the night and carries me away.  Jesus rescue me!

I know I will see brighter days again. I always do, but I just wanted to write about the darker ones I have the ones I am trying to find my way out of right now.

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I actually did it!!!!!

11 04 2010

Well more about my midlife crisis. You will NEVER guess what I did today. Krista you will hate me.  My daughter and I went and had our nose peirced. It’s just a tiny little stud. Ya, it hurt but not for long. What is going on with me. I have turned into a teenager again, I am also as ditzy as one. Hormones I tell ya, must be the hormones. It’s kinda freeing to go out and do weird things and Know I’m not going to get “in trouble”. Course my Mom hasn’t seen it yet. hee hee. She will just shake her head.   I will have to get used to it though. It feels kinda weird in there.  Oh and wanna know what my new addiction is???? flip flops. I can’t get enough of them. Must have 10 or more in all colors. A girl never knows what she will want to wear you know. Well, I just got home from a wonderful day of shopping with Kristen and Dani. We had a blast. bye for now





Kinda lost !!!

9 04 2010

 So anybody ever felt that? I sure you have. It’s not very comfortable. It is scary as hell to be physically lost and even more scary to be emotionally lost.  I think it’s really getting to me now that I am middle aged. I was listening to song this morning.  It was talking about this being  the time of your life. Didn’t necessarily mean any age really. I got to thinking ( which is not always a good thing for me) that I don’t think I have ever had “the time of my life”. I have raised 3 wonderful children and I dearly love my husband. Why can’t that just be enough for me. I see my daughter Kristen traveling the world and seeing things and having tons of people that love her. It has not always been a easy for road for her but she has done so much for a 23 year old. I look at my 17 year old son Kevin just getting ready to start his life. He is so excited. He will be going to Finland for 5 months and then probably back to Washington for college. He wants to live in a big city where the excitment is.  His life is just beginning. I look at my Mom who will be 86 years old this year and her life is coming to a close.

My children still have that excitment of falling in love. Marriage, time to be together without children and then start their family. Don’t get me wrong I cannot be happier for them but sometimes I might be a bit jealous. I know I didn’t have the same opportunities as my kids growing up but I also made alot of wrong choices myself.

Where do I go for here? I am lonely. I love my new home and find myself staying here and not going out much. I sleep alot to pass the day away. I don’t want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but I feel stuck in a rut that I can’t find the stairs to climb out. What would I do if I got out of the rut? Most likely get scared and climb back down. I know I am not stupid but i just don’t know to you my gifts . I have done things in the past. I have had a downtown business and ran a weight loss group but both places I got hurt big time and the first time I hurt I run. I am learning to stay through the hurt through my church. Sometime small churches can have a lot of conflict but instead of running I have decided to stick it out. It’s not easy all the time.

I wish I could pay someone to be my best friend. Do crafts with me, go shopping, hang out, laugh, go to movies, try new things and sometimes laugh until we pee our pants. Excercise with. Tell you deepest secrets with. Just be girls ya know? It know it sound pitiful to pay someone to be my friend but it sure might be alot easier than trying to find someone in this big world. I think a gay guy friend would be the best. They are so hilarios and understand girl stuff. now isn’t that a crazy thought.:)  I went to Sephora’s once when I was in downtown Seattle. There was this totally gay guy that worked there. I still remember his name Bob. He took me to his make up station and made me up and kept complimenting me on my skin tone etc. Of course Jim was standing beside trying not to bust a gut. I really liked him, he made feel so good about myself! I even gave him a great big hug when I left and told him thankyou so much. I walked out of there feeling like a whole new person.

So I know I have said a lot in this blog and some of you may understand and some not. But that’s ok. Heck the blog is for me to get the words in head out of paper.

thanks to all you read these and feel free to comment. even if it’s just hello.





hypocrisy

1 04 2010

Wow did I get a slap in the face with my own hypocrisy this morning. I just had to blog about it because it really made me see something not so pleasant about myself. I sure do talk the talk sometimes but not walk the walk. eeeek.

I was taking Jake to school this am and asked him if he felt he could watch The Passion of the Christ yet? Our church is watching it Fri. eve. We talked about what was in it and though it wasn’t real in the movie that this REALLY did happen to Jesus. I haven’t even seen yet because it never felt right yet. I didn’t think I could bare to see what Jesus had to go through because of us. I told him that up until now I didn’t think he was mature enough to see the brutalness of it. I think now he could handle it. He was undecided and so I told him to think and pray about it and see if God tells him if it’s his time or not. He said ” Mom, a lot of times when I ask God something I hear yes and then I hear no, how do I know if it’s God or me coming up with the answer?”  I told him how I really understand that and even when your an adult you struggle with whether that was God or myself coming up with the answer? Especially when I really want it to be a yes. Or a no. I told him that God will speak to us in different ways. He probably won’t say” JACOB YOU ARE TO SEE THIS MOVIE”. This got a laugh out of him. God can speak like that if he wants to but more likely He will tell you in another way. Through a gut feeling, through a heart feeling, through other people or maybe something he sees or hears. I explained that when we read the Bible there are other reasons then “That is what I am  supposed to do to be spiritual”.  Not!  When we read Gods word we are transformed beyond our own understanding. He speaks to us through it and we have no idea how.  That is how we start softening to hearing Gods subtle or loud answers. 

That is when it hit me! “Beth, why don’t you follow your own example and do what you are telling your child to do?”    Oh man, why don’t I? I get in to the practice of doing it and I love it. I feel better, I love better, I have more patience, I care more about others, I begin to see people and the world more how God sees them. So why then do I stop doing it? It happens before you know it. Pretty soon my Bible gets cluttered on my nightstand and becomes burried. Sometime I think about it, dig it out, go to open it and then the tv pops into my mind and usually the tv wins out.   

Amazing how we are not so different then our children. We are Gods children and He must just look at us with His love and understanding eyes and see us as the sinners we are. 

That is why my Jesus died. He had to. For me and all the other little children between birth to death. We need Him desperatly.

Oh God, Oh God, Please save us from ourselves!!!





Happy

17 03 2010

Ok enough of that crap! No I am just not happy today. Highlight of my day though was going to get my hair done. I love that place. There is a lot of drama and colorful jokes and things said and I laugh and laugh. I think that is my favorite place to just go be me.

Actually stopped at the liquor store today and am mellowing with my first drink. Ya, I said first. might take a few tonight.

So I’m thinking that I like the red head girl on american idol this week. Casey’s cool but will win most of his votes on his looks. I like Crystal. I am glad she actually can smile.

Got my eyes checked today. They haven’t changed much in the 2 years which is nice. I get to get new glasses though. my seester is coming to help pick them out.

You know what’s cool. Is getting to the age of 48 and getting to start a whole new closer relationship with my sister. She is staying with us through most of the week as she gets her teaching certificate for music. She is so much like me and understands me and I love her so much!

Kev and Jake off to their own youth groups tonight so that means a eve alone with my hubby. Very much needed.    Love ya all that read this and even a few of those who don’t….. 🙂





Why?

17 03 2010

Someone tell me why I can’t seem to let things go? If something is bothering me I hold on to it so tight I get physically ill. I am not being understood by 2 of the closest people to me..  It’s ok for me to state my opinion to someone! Isn’t it. It wasn’t done hurtful. But damnit sometimes I sure do wish I could make it hurtful. I am just burning up inside right now. I know this blog probably isn’t making much sense. I am just trying to release some pent up stress. I think i will get my pjs on and go veg on American Idol





I wanna be free to be me…

13 03 2010

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Tired of being what I think I should be or what I think people expect me to be. For goodness sake I am almost 49 blasted years old!!!!  

ok everyone sing with me: I WANNA BE ME!!!!!   HA HA . But really isn’t that true?  I guess first of all ya gotta contemplate on who you really are: hmmmm. Let me see if I can come up with a few things.

I am nice, creative,compassionat,emphathic,fun,moody,sad at times,super protective of my children’s feelings,love them to the point of where it hurts sometimes,stubborn,insecure at time,smart in alot of areas, not so smart sometimes,deep feeler,I get hurt easy,I love my husband,God’s child,caring,scared, I have to many expectations.

Things I don’t want to be anymore… guilty for no reason, no more expectations of anything,scared,insecure, a door mat, misunderstood,

thats all for now. I will keep thinking on it. I am going to add a song to this blog that is kinda how I feel lately. hope it works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETt65SA31-w